I’m Not Reliable Anymore

Thoughts puppy

I used to be sharp. Focused. Reliable. I was on point, all the time. It was one of my finest skills.

I remember what it was like.

But I’ve come to a painful realization: that quality is gone from me. It has slowly slipped away.

It’s not like dementia. I don’t blink and suddenly have no idea where I am, or who I am. I’m not losing my mind. I’m just in a permanent brainfog. Imagine your mind swimming in soup: your synapses are firing but they take longer to make connections because your brain is trapped in mush.

I forget things I’m supposed to do. I’m late with work assignments. I can’t keep up with my kids. Sometimes I can’t concentrate. It frustrates and astounds me to no end how hard it is to remember names and terms. There are days when Depression strikes and it’s paralyzing. I’ve already forgotten half the stuff I was going to put in this blog post!

This sucks. I don’t like it, and I don’t want it. I rail against it. It’s especially troubling when your family is struggling financially and you can’t find regular income because you have an invisible chronic illness and Depression and brainfog and every day your debt gets bigger while your income gets smaller and smaller

Am I over-explaining? Yeah okay, you get it.

Anyway. I can’t deny it anymore. I’ve been excusing it for a while. Everybody has one-time deals, “off days,” and whatever. If something slips by every once in a while, it’s a fluke. No big deal. But if it happens repeatedly, it’s a pattern.

It’s been a long week, so I’m probably seeing things through tired, overly-dramatic eyes. Freely admit, it’s entirely possible. Wouldn’t be the first time.

But there’s no denying that things have changed. I’m not like I used to be.

Maybe I can get back what I’ve lost with the right doctors and the right treatment. I hope and pray for that.

1 Comment

  1. Lara Goldstein
    January 8, 2018

    Robin,

    I’m so sorry to hear you’re dealing with all of this lately. It sounds overwhelming and stressful. I don’t have any personal experience with Lupus, but as someone who has warred with depression for many years, I know how debilitating that can be on some days. My only pieces of advice are to make sure you let people be there for you rather than shutting down and trying to cope on your own. My other piece of advice is to always remember that now is NOT forever. How we feel in the moments of darkness is not how we will always feel. That has been my lifeline on the hardest days. It’s hard to see sunshine in the clouds, but it’s there!

    Thinking of you and hoping you find joy this week and through out the month ~ One of your CMC people from back in the day. 🙂

    Reply

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